[Preliminary note: Jaime Arribas, our real estate consultant in Ciutat Vella, publishes an article in the magazine Vice in which he breaks down, in a humorous tone, the "anti-advice" that every estate agent should follow. The article is a scathing critique of our profession, whose widespread malpractice over the years has generated a stigma that we have to live with on a daily basis. But this bad image, like wine stains on clothing, is difficult to remove, although not impossible. You just have to scrub hard…]
There are professions one can boast about because they are socially well regarded. Others, such as mortuary makeup artist and things like that, elicit at the very least curiosity from the person you are talking to and guarantee entertaining conversations. There are others that are neither here nor there: cleaning staff, administrative worker, shop assistant… When someone asks me what I do for a living, the feeling is similar to when I am asked where I am from (I am from Valladolid): I feel the need to justify myself, to add a "but" immediately after the answer, to shout "it's not what it looks like!". Because, let's not deny it, being an estate agent is as infamous a profession as they come. There are those who try to disguise it with euphemisms like "property advisor" or various anglicisms (consultant, advisor, shopper…), but you can put a pig in a Cortefiel suit, it's still a pig. It is true that not all agencies and not all agents are the same, but here I am to generalise, which is what makes it fun.
Most of us have surely given the property sector a right royal bollocking at some point in our lives, especially when we've rented a flat and had to shell out a fortune to the agency just for meeting us and doing a ten-minute viewing. To defend my profession a bit, I have to say that it's not all our fault. The problem is largely down to the market, which is something abstract and therefore easy to blame. For example, let's put ourselves in the shoes of the landlord who wants to let their flat. To do this, you need to carry out a prior valuation, take a few photos, publish the advert, manage the enquiries, conduct the viewings, negotiate the price, draw up the contract... Why on earth would you bother doing any of that if estate agents exist, and above all, if the tenant pays for the service?
Selling is different, as the workload is much heavier and the estate agent becomes a figure who is as detestable as they are necessary. You will most likely end up having a close and long-standing personal relationship with the agent who sells your flat, so rely on recommendations and intuition, and do not get taken in by the first agent who tells you they love you and that your flat is worth a fortune.
Until I joined the agency, my previous jobs didn't require such close contact with the client, which left me a bit disconcerted for the first few weeks. For example, and much like Bob Dylan with Blowin' in the windHow many times do you have to speak to someone on the phone to know if you should give them two kisses when you meet in person for the first time? (I am talking about kissing women, of course, lest I break heterocentric good manners and create an even more embarrassing situation). My initial policy was to be generous with the affection of the greeting. Often this served to break down an initial barrier of formality and move to a more trusting level. But soon I began to notice a certain strangeness in some lasses, so I decided to give up on giving two kisses on the first date before I could be curved (or curved twice, once on each cheek).
At first I spent a few months selling and renting, but the pace of viewings combined with the fact that I get around by public transport made me focus on selling. The big difficulty with selling is getting the buyer to understand that their expectations are probably too high, and the vendors that their flat is perhaps not worth as much as they want to believe. Because our child is always the best-looking, our country is where the food is best and our god is the true one. And it doesn't have to be that way, of course. "Flat in perfect state" or "ready to move into" are phrases very often used in flat adverts where you have to go in with a demolition crew, a pest control company and an exorcist priest. So from here I make an appeal for the reconciliation of both parties: Dear vendor, get off your high horse. Your flat is not the jewel of the neighbourhood and the crucifixes on the walls don't just scare away vampires, but clients too. And you, dear buyer, don't look for something for nothing, please read the adverts properly and if you fancy standing me up on a viewing at least have the courtesy to make up some excuse by text message.
And to you, who are reading these lines driven by curiosity about this noble profession: you never know if one day necessity will lead you to seek shelter in the lap of the real estate sector, so I have prepared a series of rules that will help you make your way with ease through this jungle of bricks and mortgages.
Watch your image
Don't let your wardrobe reveal the true scoundrel behind the estate agent. A slightly shiny dark suit and some pointy shoes will help disguise your lack of knowledge. After all, you don't need a degree to sell flats; it's enough that your appearance and attitude make the client understand that you're the one who knows what's what.
He smokes a lot
The more, the better; make sure it shows in your voice. Always wait for the customer with a fag in one hand and your motorbike helmet in the other. Before going into the building, don't forget to fill your lungs right up with that last drag, ideally accompanying the gesture with a Clint Eastwood look. The consumption of other substances such as booze or Charlie is also welcome.
You can be late, but never apologise
Taking responsibility is for losers. Don't even make up an excuse, it's better to play dumb trusting that the client hasn't noticed the passage of time.
The customer is never right
Sometimes you have to show flats to clients with undesirable professions: architects, lawyers or even estate agents. Even if the client fits one of these profiles, they haven't got a bloody clue. Nobody knows better than you how easy it is to reinforce a beam or how good your flat's price is compared to the competition, not even someone who's spent months with their eyes burnt out from looking at ads on the internet.
Bullet point strip for ad descriptions
Spacious, bright, unbeatable area, ideal for investors, interesting renovation potential. Whether you're selling a mansion in Pedralbes or a half-basement in El Raval, generic descriptions are a handy trick. Just copy and paste other ads, nobody will notice the difference. Be generous with market stall buzzwords and exclamation marks (MASSIVE OFFER!!! BARGAIN!!!). It doesn't hurt to finish with a solid "COME AND SEE IT!!!!".
The truth is overrated
Don't hold back when answering things you don't know. And if you know relevant but non-visible information (woodworm in the beams, crazy neighbours...), omission and concealment will be your best tools.
Acquire properties for sale, whatever it takes
As stated in the previous point, lying will be your main ally for this task, but do not underestimate other resources such as threats or extortion. Getting a new flat on your books takes precedence over the life of your own mother.
Play for time
Learn from three-card tricksters and their art. Where I said terrace, I say balcony; where I said duplex, I say ground floor flat with a mezzanine; where I said forty square metres, I say twenty-eight. Laugh in the face of misleading advertising and don't let consistency and honesty make you miss out on a good business opportunity.
Throw mud and some will stick
Comparisons are odious, but inevitable in this trade. Keep your holster well-loaded with answers and always keep your hand close to your revolver to draw as soon as the slightest hint of a comparison appears. For example, a buying client tells you that they have seen a better and cheaper flat two streets down. Your response has to be swift and follow this structure: "Yeah, but the thing is that street…". If a selling client tells you they have spoken to another agency that does the same thing but cheaper, shoot without hesitation: "Yeah, but the thing is that agency…". What you say next is up to you, let your imagination run wild. The only requirement is that it must be something negative, the dodgier the better.
Everyone is your rival
Competition in this sector is an omnipresent concept. Your biggest rival is the other agencies, but do not underestimate the power of your own colleagues to screw you over. The enemy is where you least expect it: in the clients themselves, the building caretaker, the corner greengrocer, the smile of a child, the morning dew... Do not drop your guard even when you are in the privacy of the bathroom, you never know what that bastard looking back at you from the other side of the mirror might be plotting.
By following these tips you'll soon become the estate agent you would never have wanted to deal with. This might make you a lot of money, probably more than if you did it with good manners. So don't let your conscience hold you back, and welcome to the world of estate agents.
Original article published in Vice Magazine.
Jaime Arribas, our real estate agent in Ciutat Vella, has published an article in Vice magazine in which he breaks down, with a touch of humour, the «anti-tips» that every estate agent should follow.
